PPD

Not too many people know this, but I had/have Post Partum Depression after having Fletcher last April.

I was thinking about it today and realized how lucky I am that I have the people in my life that I do.

Seriously, if it were anyone else, I would tell them that they need to get help or find some one to talk to - and there is a part of me that regrets not recognizing that I too needed professional help.

But, I digress, I was going to write about how thankful I am for the people that I did talk to. Namely, my husband, Matthew.

I was remembering today how many times I called him at work crying and yelling and complaining and he just took it. He never treated me any differently, never suggested there was something wrong with me, never made me feel bad for feeling bad.

How lucky am I that I have a person like that in my life? I must be the luckiest person ever because I have so many people like that in my life. People that I can tell even my darkest moments and thoughts to. Not many people have that.

I was able to call my mom and admit that I did not even like my family. I told her that the only person I liked was the baby and that he was the only thing keeping me going. It is really scary to think of now. Chew on that for a moment - the only thing that was keeping me from completely losing my shit was a newborn baby. Wow, that is quite a load of responsibility for some one who just got here!

There were days that I barely spoke to my three year old. And, a phone call to my husband where I told him through tears "There is a part of me that just wants to hit him until he shuts up." That really breaks my heart to remember. It is a guilt and a hurt that I will carry with me for a long time. Mason will still sometimes mention "back when you were a mean mommy."

I am so glad that I never actually acted on that, and I give full credit to those who were there for me. I had people who I could admit these vulnerabilities to free of judgment and admonition. And not one of them tried to sell me all the reasons I shouldn't feel down. I have learned that is super rare.

Some nights I would lie in bed and pray so hard for it all to go away. I am not even sure what it was I was praying to go away - the depression, the anger, the noise, the responsibilities of being a mom, the kids, my life. I just wanted to not hurt and not feel all of the things I was feeling.

Part of the depression stemmed from anger at not having the birth experience I wanted - again. I got a second c-section and it was devastating! A lot of people don't get that. "But you have a healthy baby and a healthy mommy, that is all that really matters." I wish it were that easy. An adulthood filled with hormonal dysfunction and all I wanted was to not feel broken. And that is exactly how I felt - broken.

I thank God everyday for the people in my life that are there for me through all of the hard times. For the people who know when to listen and when to talk. For the friends and family who do not discount my feelings just because they may not understand them.

So, if you know some one who might be struggling with PPD, the very best thing that you can do is listen without judgment. Do not attempt to placate them or tell them they just need rest. Do not write it off as lack of sleep or a need to increase their vitamins. Just listen.

End of my rope!

I try very hard to remain positive and upbeat. I am happy with the decisions that I have made raising my kids, but that does not mean that there aren't times when I get to the end of my rope.

Today is one of those days.

We are all just recovering from a week of illness, and while we are feeling better, we are still at only about 90% - it is the other 10% that is wearing me out.

Fletcher, who is about 10 months old, has NEVER slept through the night. Ever. He still wakes every 2-3 hours. And the only way I can get him back to sleep is to nurse him. And the only way I am able to nurse him is if he sleeps with me, because otherwise I would not get any sleep.

The baby not sleeping through the night would not be that bad if I could just get a day off, but since he refused to take breastmilk from a bottle (no matter how many times we tried) and he is not all the way on board with the solid food thing, it is all me all the time. I can't even attend a 2 hour meeting at church without my "sidekick" along for the ride.

Because I am so tired, Mason does not get the exercise he needs during the day. I just don't have the energy to play hard for hours on end.

Ugh - I could go on and on! But, I won't. I just needed to get some of that off of my chest.

My next post will be insanely positive, perhaps a bit witty, and will be written some time in the next week.