PPD

Not too many people know this, but I had/have Post Partum Depression after having Fletcher last April.

I was thinking about it today and realized how lucky I am that I have the people in my life that I do.

Seriously, if it were anyone else, I would tell them that they need to get help or find some one to talk to - and there is a part of me that regrets not recognizing that I too needed professional help.

But, I digress, I was going to write about how thankful I am for the people that I did talk to. Namely, my husband, Matthew.

I was remembering today how many times I called him at work crying and yelling and complaining and he just took it. He never treated me any differently, never suggested there was something wrong with me, never made me feel bad for feeling bad.

How lucky am I that I have a person like that in my life? I must be the luckiest person ever because I have so many people like that in my life. People that I can tell even my darkest moments and thoughts to. Not many people have that.

I was able to call my mom and admit that I did not even like my family. I told her that the only person I liked was the baby and that he was the only thing keeping me going. It is really scary to think of now. Chew on that for a moment - the only thing that was keeping me from completely losing my shit was a newborn baby. Wow, that is quite a load of responsibility for some one who just got here!

There were days that I barely spoke to my three year old. And, a phone call to my husband where I told him through tears "There is a part of me that just wants to hit him until he shuts up." That really breaks my heart to remember. It is a guilt and a hurt that I will carry with me for a long time. Mason will still sometimes mention "back when you were a mean mommy."

I am so glad that I never actually acted on that, and I give full credit to those who were there for me. I had people who I could admit these vulnerabilities to free of judgment and admonition. And not one of them tried to sell me all the reasons I shouldn't feel down. I have learned that is super rare.

Some nights I would lie in bed and pray so hard for it all to go away. I am not even sure what it was I was praying to go away - the depression, the anger, the noise, the responsibilities of being a mom, the kids, my life. I just wanted to not hurt and not feel all of the things I was feeling.

Part of the depression stemmed from anger at not having the birth experience I wanted - again. I got a second c-section and it was devastating! A lot of people don't get that. "But you have a healthy baby and a healthy mommy, that is all that really matters." I wish it were that easy. An adulthood filled with hormonal dysfunction and all I wanted was to not feel broken. And that is exactly how I felt - broken.

I thank God everyday for the people in my life that are there for me through all of the hard times. For the people who know when to listen and when to talk. For the friends and family who do not discount my feelings just because they may not understand them.

So, if you know some one who might be struggling with PPD, the very best thing that you can do is listen without judgment. Do not attempt to placate them or tell them they just need rest. Do not write it off as lack of sleep or a need to increase their vitamins. Just listen.

End of my rope!

I try very hard to remain positive and upbeat. I am happy with the decisions that I have made raising my kids, but that does not mean that there aren't times when I get to the end of my rope.

Today is one of those days.

We are all just recovering from a week of illness, and while we are feeling better, we are still at only about 90% - it is the other 10% that is wearing me out.

Fletcher, who is about 10 months old, has NEVER slept through the night. Ever. He still wakes every 2-3 hours. And the only way I can get him back to sleep is to nurse him. And the only way I am able to nurse him is if he sleeps with me, because otherwise I would not get any sleep.

The baby not sleeping through the night would not be that bad if I could just get a day off, but since he refused to take breastmilk from a bottle (no matter how many times we tried) and he is not all the way on board with the solid food thing, it is all me all the time. I can't even attend a 2 hour meeting at church without my "sidekick" along for the ride.

Because I am so tired, Mason does not get the exercise he needs during the day. I just don't have the energy to play hard for hours on end.

Ugh - I could go on and on! But, I won't. I just needed to get some of that off of my chest.

My next post will be insanely positive, perhaps a bit witty, and will be written some time in the next week.

Never again (again!)

I know, I know! I have said it before and I will say it again, and probably fail again, but I will NOT let so much time go between blog posts. I really really want to do this whole blogging thing but I can't seem to remember to actually do it.

Also, I don't think I am really good at it. My sister knows how to make it so interesting and I just seem to rattle off random things that don't seem very interesting, even to me. I guess practice makes perfect and I just need to keep doing it.

Well, that is it for today. Real exciting, I know. See y'all tomorrow - maybe.

The 21 Day Challenge (and boy, it's a challenge)

I recently noticed how much I complain. I mean, I always knew that I was a complainer, but when visiting with a loved one recently, I noticed just how much.

All we did the entire visit was bitch and moan about anything and everything. The weirdest part is, before that "hang session" I didn't feel like I had all that much to complain about.

Last week or so I came across a book that was recommended to me by Amazon.com. I love all types of books and had recently been searching spiritual books on Amazon, when I logged in the other day, there it was, "A Complaint Free World" by Will Bowen. I was intrigued to say the least. OK, truth be told, I bought it with out even really checking it out, and I am glad that I did.

Now, the information is nothing that I have not heard before, but the way that it is presented, as a challenge to better myself, was very new.

The concept is simple, go 21 days with no complaints, gossiping, or cursing. Sounds easy enough right? Besides, how in the world would you keep track? No one will REALLY know if I screwed up, right? Wrong! For this challenge you need an item, such as a bracelet (that is what they use in the book) that is movable, and EVERY SINGLE TIME you express a complaint, gossip or curse, move the item from one side of your body to the other.

The exercise is designed to make you really take notice of not only the words you are saying, but the energy and intent behind them. Sometimes even positive words can have very negative energy behind them - that is considered a complaint! I honestly never thought of it that way.

How many times has something "bad" happened to you.......for example, your car's tire goes flat on your morning commute:

"Oh great!" you exclaim. Positive words, negative meaning.
"Well, it could be worse. At least it's not raining." Positive sentiment, negative meaning

We ALL do this, and believe it or not, it's CONTAGIOUS!

So, I am pledging to go 21 days without a single complaint, gossip or curse. I pledge to become a better friend, daughter, wife, mother through this process. I hope that I will be an inspiration to those around me.

Will I fail? Repeatedly. Will I continue? For sure Will I suceed? Most Definitely!

Anyone want to join me?

A year? Really?

I can't believe that it has been almost a year since I last "blogged." I really want to be a blogger, I think it is a great way to connect with people, but I just can't seem to remember to do it along with all the other day to day stuff.

So, what has happened in the last year? In no particular order:

Hubby attended, passed, graduated paramedic school and is now working as a medic
I got knocked up
I had a baby boy, Fletcher James
I have reconnected with important people
I have disconnected with some not-so-important people
I turned 33
My older son will be 3 in only 3 days (where does the time go?)

Well, that's about it in a nutshell.

Promise I will start to blog a little more often. I have a lot to say.

Also, I am starting to work on not complaining for 21 days. I just purchased the book "A Complaint Free World" and am going to succeed!

Closure

So, my close friends and family know that I am a big fan of closure. I don't like to keep loose ends untied. I'm not saying that everything can always be tied up into a nice neat little package, but I feel better knowing that I at least tried to close the door on a subject.

To that end, I am having lunch with a very old "friend" tomorrow. Can you still call someone who you have not spoken to in 12 1/2 years friend? I'm not sure - I guess that is what I am going to find out.

I won't go into the causes of our falling out, but let's just say that it certainly wasn't worth it.

I won't lie, my curiosity is one of my most annoyingly endearing qualities. I want to see how she looks, know how her life has been, what she's been up to lately. But, mostly, I just want closure. It was devastating when we stopped being friends, mostly because I did not see it coming. One morning, she was my loving, devoted, loyal friend, by that night, she just wasn't. No good reason, no explanation. She was doing what she wanted to do with no regard to my feelings, and that was it. That was in January of 1997.

Fast forward to September of 2004, I make a run to the drug store, and there she is, working behind the photo counter. I know that she sees me, and recognizes me, but neither of us say a thing. This goes on until June 2009.

What happened in June? Facebook! I came across her profile when it was suggested to me as someone I might know. I couldn't resist. I perused her profile, trying to glean any information about her life that I could from it. I clicked on her husband's profile to try and get more info. I looked at the pics they had posted, I wanted to see my old friend in those pics, the one that I knew so long ago.

I emailed her and let her know that I harbor no ill feelings, that I had missed her throughout the years, that I was not still mad, and that honestly, I was more hurt by the fact that she did not fight for our friendship. The reasons for the "break-up," well, I couldn't really be mad about those. How bitter would I have to be to be pissed about that after more than 12 years?

So, now, we are having lunch tomorrow, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't the least bit apprehensive. Is it really possible to put all of that behind us? I think it is. Is it possible to truly be friends after all this time? That remains to be seen. But, I know that I will get one thing out of it - closure. I won't have to wonder what she is thinking of me when I venture into her store. I won't have to wonder about what might have been with our friendship. And, I will finally be able to put to rest, after all this time, the feeling that things were left horribly unfinished between us.

If you thought it was poop.....?

My son, Mason was playing outside today, with what was minimal supervision at best. I must interject right here, that I have a patio area that is roughly 200 square feet and surrounded by walls on all sides and 5.5 foot gates that lock, so it is really secure, and with the door open I can hear everything.

So, when I heard him chanting "Ucky poop, ucky poop," I got very, very scared.

Turns out, it wasn't poop, it was a snail. Which of course, begs the question, if you thought it was poop, why would you pick it up?

God only knows where he found it, there is nothing in the patio area that would be the least bit appetizing to a snail, but I decided to look at it as a lucky learning opportunity.

Now, my son, is only 22 months, and I think that he is pretty darn smart. Is he more advanced than other kids his age? who knows, but he is really quick when it comes to learning new facts. (Maybe one day he can be like his mother, full of useless trivial information.)

So, I started naming the anatomy of the snail, in simple words he could understand of course, and he was repeating them back to me. We got some cabbage so that I could show him where the snails mouth was, and he giggled at the site of the snail chomping away on the leafy greens.

It was pretty amazing to see just how interested he was in learning about the snail. I think a lot of people underestimate how much 2 year olds can understand. I "teach" him like this all the time. He now knows the kinds of flowers that humming birds eat from, how bees make honey, and that different apes and monkeys have different names (for example orangutans, lemurs, gorillas, chimps). Does he fully grasp what all of it means, probably not, but it is giving him a good foundation for understanding. And, I would be lying if I said that it doesn't make me super proud to hear him telling others all the fun facts that he knows.

He knows all of his colors, including silver, all of his shapes (even octagon), green means go, red means stop, and so much more. He amazes me daily. I am truly blessed to be his mommy.

Hopefully, we will always have this much fun learning together.